You know that moment when someone says “I love you” for the first time and the other person responds with “That’s nice”?
I witnessed this exact scene at a coffee shop last week. The silence that followed was so thick you could cut it with a knife. And while the response was particularly brutal, it perfectly captured what emotional unavailability looks like in real time.
After years working in media where reading people was part of the job, I’ve learned that certain phrases are like warning labels. They tell you exactly who someone is before you invest years trying to change them.
The thing about emotionally unavailable people? They’re remarkably consistent. They telegraph their limitations through language, and if you know what to listen for, you can save yourself a lot of heartache.
Here are nine phrases that signal someone is emotionally unavailable—and probably always will be.
1) “I don’t do labels”
This isn’t about being progressive or rejecting societal norms. It’s about keeping one foot permanently out the door.
When someone refuses to define what you are after months of dating, they’re telling you something important: they want the benefits of a relationship without the accountability.
I once dated someone who used this line six months in. We were exclusive, meeting each other’s friends, spending weekends together. But calling it a relationship? That was apparently too much commitment.
The translation is simple: “I want to keep my options open while having you on standby.”
People who genuinely struggle with traditional relationship structures will have that conversation differently. They’ll explain their perspective, work with you to find common ground, create something that works for both of you.
The “no labels” person just wants an escape hatch.
2) “I’m just not good at texting”
In 2024, everyone texts. Your boss texts. Your dentist texts. Your 75-year-old parent has mastered voice-to-text.
When someone claims they’re “bad at texting,” what they’re really saying is: “You’re not a priority.”
Watch how quickly these same people respond to work emails or their group chat. Notice how they’re always scrolling when you’re together. They’re not bad at texting—they’re bad at texting you.
Communication is effort, and effort is a choice. Someone who wants to be in your life will find a way to show it, even if it’s just a quick “thinking of you” between meetings.
3) “I need to focus on myself right now”
Self-improvement is real. Sometimes people genuinely need to prioritize their mental health, career, or personal growth.
But there’s a difference between someone actively working on themselves and someone using personal development as a permanent shield against intimacy.
The emotionally unavailable version sounds like this: vague timeline, no specific goals, and they’re usually still dating—just not committing.
When my husband and I met, he was launching a business and I was changing careers. We were both “focusing on ourselves.” But we made room for each other because that’s what you do when connection matters.
Real self-focus has boundaries and endpoints. Emotional unavailability disguised as self-care is just sophisticated avoidance.
4) “My ex was crazy”
Every single ex. All crazy. Every relationship ended because the other person was unstable, demanding, or delusional.
If someone’s entire romantic history is populated exclusively by “psychos,” you’re looking at someone who can’t take emotional responsibility.
Mature people can acknowledge their role in relationship failures. They can say, “We wanted different things” or “I wasn’t ready” or even “I made mistakes.”
The person who paints every ex as unhinged is telling you two things: they lack emotional accountability, and you’ll be the next “crazy” one when things end.
5) “Let’s just see where this goes”
After a few weeks? Sure, this makes sense. After six months? You’re being strung along.
This phrase is emotional unavailability’s greatest hit. It sounds reasonable—who doesn’t want things to develop naturally?
But “seeing where things go” indefinitely means never having to make a decision, never having to commit, never having to be vulnerable enough to say what you actually want.
I learned this the hard way in my twenties. Spent a year “seeing where things went” with someone who knew from day one we were going nowhere. They just liked the companionship while they waited for something better.
People who are emotionally available have direction. They might not know exactly where you’ll end up, but they’re willing to actively participate in getting somewhere.
6) “I don’t like drama”
Translation: “I don’t like emotions that inconvenience me.”
Everyone prefers peace to chaos. But emotionally unavailable people use “drama” to describe any emotional need, boundary, or difficult conversation.
Asking where the relationship is going? Drama. Expressing hurt feelings? Drama. Wanting to discuss problems instead of ignoring them? Maximum drama.
These people want relationships that run on autopilot—no maintenance required, no emotional investment needed.
The irony? They create more drama through avoidance than any direct conversation ever could.
7) “You’re overthinking this”
Gaslighting’s favorite cousin. When someone consistently dismisses your emotional responses as “overthinking,” they’re training you not to trust yourself.
Your feelings make sense. Your concerns are valid. If something feels off, it probably is.
The emotionally unavailable person needs you to doubt your instincts because your instincts are probably telling you exactly what they don’t want you to know: this isn’t working.
After having a child, my tolerance for this particular phrase went to zero. Time is precious. If someone makes you feel crazy for having basic emotional needs, they’re not confused—they’re manipulative.
8) “I’m just really independent”
Independence is healthy. Emotional self-sufficiency is attractive. But there’s a point where independence becomes isolation in disguise.
The emotionally unavailable hide behind independence like it’s a virtue. They can’t be disappointed if they never depend on anyone. Can’t be hurt if they never let anyone close enough.
Real independence means you can take care of yourself AND let others in. It means you choose connection, not that you’re incapable of it.
Watch how they handle any form of mutual dependence—planning trips together, merging schedules, the tiny compromises that relationships require. If everything feels like a threat to their autonomy, you’re dealing with someone who equates intimacy with loss of control.
9) “I’m not ready for anything serious”
Fair enough—if it’s said early and honestly. But emotionally unavailable people use this phrase while acting like they’re in a serious relationship.
They want dinner dates, weekend trips, emotional support, physical intimacy. They just don’t want to call it what it is.
The most telling part? Years later, they’re still “not ready.” It’s not about timing. It’s about capability.
Someone who’s truly not ready but emotionally available will be clear about their boundaries. They won’t lead you on with relationship behaviors while maintaining relationship distance.
Final thoughts
Here’s what took me years to understand: emotionally unavailable people aren’t confused. They’re not waiting for the right person to unlock their hearts. They’re not going to suddenly transform when Mercury leaves retrograde.
They’re telling you exactly who they are through these phrases. The question is whether you’re listening.
The hardest truth? You can’t love someone into emotional availability. Trust me, I tried. Spent years thinking if I was just patient enough, understanding enough, accommodating enough, they’d finally show up.
They won’t.
But here’s what you can do: recognize these phrases for the red flags they are. Stop making excuses for people who wouldn’t make effort for you. Start believing people when they tell you their limitations.
Because somewhere out there is someone who says what they mean, shows up consistently, and doesn’t make you decode their availability like it’s the Da Vinci Code.
You just have to stop wasting time on people who’ve already told you they’re not that person.
