You know that moment when you’re mid-conversation and suddenly wonder if you’re standing weird? Or when you apologize for the third time in five minutes?
I catch myself doing these things constantly, even after years of training teams and studying performance psychology.
Here’s what I’ve learned: Insecurity has a signature. It shows up in small, repeated behaviors that broadcast self-doubt before we even realize we’re doing them.
Psychologists have identified these patterns, and once you see them, you can’t unsee them.
After spending a decade building teams and another year deep in research on why we sabotage ourselves, I’ve noticed these habits everywhere.
In meetings, coffee shops, gym conversations. The good news? They’re all fixable with small adjustments.
1) Over-explaining every decision
Someone asks why you chose that restaurant. Instead of saying “I like their pasta,” you launch into a three-minute defense about reviews, parking, pricing, and how you checked with everyone first.
I used to do this constantly. Every choice needed a PowerPoint presentation’s worth of justification. According to Psychology Today, over-explaining often stems from fear that our choices won’t be accepted at face value.
The fix is brutal simplicity. State your decision, period. Let the silence hang. If someone needs more information, they’ll ask. Most won’t.
Practice with low-stakes choices first. “I picked this coffee shop because I wanted to.” That’s a complete sentence.
2) Apologizing for existing
- “Sorry, can I just…”
- “Sorry to bother you…”
- “Sorry if this is dumb, but…”
Count how many times you say sorry tomorrow. The number will shock you. We apologize for asking questions, taking up space, having opinions. It’s exhausting for everyone involved.
This habit makes you seem smaller before you’ve even made your point. It primes people to see you as an interruption rather than a contributor.
Replace “sorry” with “thank you” where possible. “Thank you for your patience” instead of “sorry for the wait.” When you genuinely need to apologize, make it count. Otherwise, just speak.
3) Constant self-deprecation
- “I’m probably wrong, but…”
- “This might be stupid…”
- “I’m terrible at this…”
You think you’re being humble. You’re actually training people to doubt you. Self-deprecation as a defense mechanism is something I see constantly in high performers who are secretly terrified of criticism.
When you preemptively attack yourself, you’re trying to beat critics to the punch. But it backfires. People start believing your negative self-assessment, even when your work is solid.
State your ideas without the disclaimer. Let them stand or fall on merit, not on your preemptive surrender.
4) Avoiding eye contact during key moments
Watch what happens when someone gives you a compliment. Or when you’re making an important point. The eyes dart away right when connection matters most.
Research published in the National Library of Medicine shows that eye contact directly impacts how confident and trustworthy we appear. When we break it at crucial moments, we signal discomfort with our own message.
I still catch myself looking at my shoes when receiving praise. The fix isn’t staring people down. It’s holding gaze for one extra second during important exchanges. Just one second longer than feels natural.
5) Seeking validation for every move
- “Does this make sense?”
- “Is that okay?”
- “What do you think I should do?”
There’s a difference between collaboration and constant permission-seeking. One builds teams, the other broadcasts insecurity.
I spent years confusing being liked with being safe. Every decision needed group approval. Every email needed a second opinion. It was paralyzing and made me seem incapable of independent thought.
Make three decisions tomorrow without asking anyone. Small ones. What to eat, what to wear, which task to tackle first. Build the muscle of trusting your judgment.
6) Nervous filler habits
The laugh after every sentence. The “you know” every third word. The fidgeting, throat-clearing, “um” epidemic that takes over when pressure rises.
These habits multiply under stress. They fill space we’re afraid to leave empty. But silence is powerful. It lets your words land.
Record yourself in a five-minute phone conversation. The playback will be painful but educational. Pick one filler habit and focus on eliminating just that one. Don’t try to fix everything at once.
7) Downplaying achievements
- “It was nothing.”
- “I got lucky.”
- “The team did all the work.”
There’s a difference between giving credit and erasing yourself from your own success story. When you consistently minimize achievements, people stop seeing you as capable.
The American Psychological Association’s research on attribution shows that how we explain our successes shapes how others perceive our competence.
Next time someone acknowledges your work, try “Thank you, I worked hard on that.” No deflection. No redirect. Just acknowledgment.
8) Body language that shrinks
Crossed arms, hunched shoulders, taking up minimal space in meetings. Your body is broadcasting “I don’t belong here” before you speak.
I replay conversations afterward and notice what I didn’t say. But lately, I’ve started noticing what my body was saying instead. The defensive postures, the protective positions, the physical minimizing.
Take up appropriate space. Sit fully in your chair. Use hand gestures when you speak. Plant your feet shoulder-width apart. These aren’t power poses, they’re presence poses.
9) Agreeing to everything
- “Sure, no problem.”
- “Yeah, I can do that.”
- “Whatever works for you.”
People-pleasing isn’t kindness. It’s fear dressed up as accommodation. When you agree to everything, your yes means nothing.
This was my biggest weakness for years. Every request felt like a test of my value. Saying no felt like declaring myself difficult or unhelpful. So I said yes until I burned out, repeatedly.
Start with small no’s. “I can’t do lunch today.” “That timeline doesn’t work for me.” Build tolerance for the discomfort of disappointing people. Their reaction is information, not a verdict on your worth.
Bottom line
These habits aren’t character flaws. They’re outdated protection mechanisms that no longer serve you. Each one developed for a reason, probably kept you safe at some point. But now they’re holding you back.
Pick two habits from this list. Just two. Work on them for the next week. Not perfection, just awareness and small adjustments.
The goal isn’t to become someone else. It’s to stop apologizing for who you already are. These patterns are learned, which means they can be unlearned.
Tomorrow, you’ll probably catch yourself over-explaining something or apologizing for nothing. Good. Awareness is the first step. The second is choosing differently, one small moment at a time.
