Last week, I watched a younger colleague politely excuse himself from a conversation I was having with him about “how things used to work” in our industry.
His exit was graceful, but I caught the look. That mixture of patience and barely concealed frustration that says “here we go again.”
It stung, but it also made me think. At 64, I’ve started noticing how certain habits and attitudes that feel perfectly reasonable to me might actually be creating distance with younger people in my life.
The uncomfortable truth is that what we consider wisdom or experience can sometimes come across as rigidity or dismissiveness.
After some honest reflection and conversations with people brave enough to tell me the truth, I’ve identified eight traits that many of us from the boomer generation carry without realizing how they affect our relationships.
These aren’t character flaws. They’re patterns shaped by decades of particular experiences and cultural messages. But understanding them might help bridge some gaps.
1. Assuming your experience is universally applicable
“When I was starting out, I just walked into offices and asked for work. That’s how you do it.”
I’ve said versions of this more times than I care to admit. The problem isn’t sharing experience. It’s the assumption that what worked in 1985 translates directly to 2024.
When I tell someone struggling with job hunting to “just show up in person,” I’m not acknowledging that most companies now consider this pushy or outdated.
This habit comes from decades of our experience actually being valuable and applicable. But the world has changed faster in the last 20 years than it did in the previous 40.
When we insist our path is the path, we’re not just unhelpful. We’re signaling that we don’t understand or respect the current reality others face.
2. Dismissing technology struggles while having your own
Here’s something I had to confront: I mock young people for not being able to change a tire, but I needed my daughter to help me unmute myself on Zoom.
We dismiss their gaps in “practical” skills while expecting infinite patience for our technology struggles.
The double standard is glaring. We want credit for everything we know while expecting free tech support for everything we don’t.
Worse, we often frame our knowledge as “real skills” and theirs as “just computer stuff,” as if digital literacy isn’t essential for functioning in today’s world.
3. Offering solutions instead of listening
My son called me last month, frustrated about a situation at work. Within thirty seconds, I was outlining a five-point action plan. He stopped me: “Dad, I just needed someone to listen.”
This trait runs deep in our generation, especially for men. We were trained to fix, to solve, to have answers. Sitting with someone’s frustration without immediately trying to repair it feels uncomfortable, almost irresponsible.
But what registers as help to us often feels like dismissal to others. They’re not always looking for our expertise. Sometimes they just need acknowledgment that yes, this situation is hard.
4. Using “respect” as a one-way street
“Young people today don’t show respect.” I’ve heard this at every gathering of my peers. But respect in our generation often meant deference to age and position. We expected it to flow upward automatically.
What I’ve learned, sometimes painfully, is that younger generations see respect as mutual and earned through actions, not age or title.
When we demand respect while dismissing their perspectives, using outdated terms they find offensive, or ignoring their boundaries, we’re not actually practicing respect. We’re demanding deference. There’s a difference.
5. Romanticizing struggle and dismissing comfort
“We didn’t have all these conveniences, and we turned out fine.” The story of walking uphill both ways to school has become a generational joke, but the mentality behind it isn’t funny when it shows up in real conversations.
When someone uses technology to make their life easier, works remotely, or prioritizes mental health, our generation often responds with subtle contempt. We frame our struggles as character-building and their conveniences as weakness.
But refusing to acknowledge that some struggles were unnecessary and that progress can be good pushes people away. It makes us seem bitter about others having opportunities we didn’t.
Pronouns in email signatures. Content warnings. Requests for consent before hugging. These changes can feel excessive or performative to many in our generation.
Our first instinct is often mockery or resistance.
But here’s what I’ve realized: these evolved from real needs and experiences we might not share or understand.
When we refuse to engage with new social norms, even ones that seem minor to us, we’re essentially saying our comfort matters more than others’ wellbeing. That message comes through loud and clear.
7. Making everything a teaching moment
Every interaction doesn’t need to become a lesson. Every mistake someone makes doesn’t require a story about how we handled it better or differently.
This habit is especially strong after retirement when we’re trying to find ways to feel useful and relevant.
The impulse comes from a good place. We want to share what we’ve learned, to prevent others from struggling unnecessarily.
But constant teaching creates a hierarchy in every interaction. It positions us as the wise elder and others as students, whether they signed up for that role or not.
8. Gatekeeping what counts as “real” problems
“You think that’s stressful? Try raising three kids on one income.” Competition over who has it harder might be the most alienating trait we carry.
When someone shares a struggle and we immediately compare it to something we consider more significant, we’re not being helpful. We’re being dismissive.
Modern stressors like social media pressure, gig economy instability, or climate anxiety might seem overblown to us.
But invalidating these concerns because they’re different from what we faced doesn’t make us wise. It makes us seem incapable of empathy for experiences outside our own.
Closing thoughts
Recognizing these traits in myself hasn’t been comfortable. Pride and defensiveness are real barriers to change, especially when you’ve spent six decades developing certain ways of being in the world.
But I’ve noticed something: when I catch myself in these patterns and choose differently, conversations go better. People seem more relaxed around me. My relationships with younger family members and colleagues have improved.
The goal isn’t to abandon everything we’ve learned or pretend we’re 30. It’s to recognize that wisdom includes knowing when our perspectives might be creating barriers instead of bridges.
Start by catching yourself in just one of these patterns this week. Notice it, adjust, and see what changes. You might be surprised by how much more connected you feel when you stop pushing people away with habits you didn’t even know you had.
