In my forty years of negotiating contracts and deals, I encountered plenty of people who seemed reasonable on the surface but left me feeling like I was losing my grip on reality.
There was one executive in particular who could make you doubt your own memory of events that happened just hours earlier.
After every meeting with him, I’d find myself reviewing my notes obsessively, wondering if I’d misunderstood something fundamental.
It took me years to recognize the pattern.
These were deliberate tactics designed to keep others off balance.
The people who use them aren’t always malicious.
Sometimes they learned these behaviors as survival mechanisms in toxic environments.
But regardless of intent, the effect is the same: You start questioning your own perceptions.
After retirement gave me distance to reflect on decades of these encounters, I’ve identified seven specific phrases that should put you on alert.
When you hear them regularly from someone, you’re likely dealing with someone who’s learned to manipulate reality as a power tool.
1) “That’s not what I meant, you’re being too sensitive.”
This phrase does double damage.
First, it allows the speaker to deny accountability for their words.
Second, it shifts the problem onto you for having a reaction.
I once watched a senior manager tell a colleague her presentation was “amateur hour” in front of the entire team.
When she approached him later about the harsh feedback, those exact words came out: “That’s not what I meant, you’re being too sensitive.”
Suddenly, the issue was her inability to handle “constructive criticism.”
The phrase works because it exploits our natural self-doubt.
We all wonder sometimes if we’re overreacting.
Manipulators know this and use it to rewrite history.
Your reasonable response to unreasonable behavior becomes the problem.
2) “I never said that.”
This one is particularly insidious when you know with absolute certainty that they did, in fact, say exactly that.
Yet, they deliver the denial with such conviction that you start doubting your own memory.
In negotiation rooms, I learned to take detailed notes partly because of people who would flatly deny agreements made just days earlier.
Without written evidence, you’re stuck in a he-said-she-said situation where the more forceful personality often wins.
The power of this phrase lies in its simplicity.
It’s almost impossible to prove someone wrong without recordings or witnesses.
Even when you have proof, they’ll often pivot to claiming you misunderstood their meaning.
3) “You’re imagining things.”
When someone consistently tells you that your perceptions are wrong, they’re training you to distrust your own observations.
I remember a department head who would make subtle threats in meetings, then when confronted, would say with a concerned look, “You’re imagining things. Are you feeling okay?”
The implication was clear: Either accept his version of reality or be seen as unstable.
This phrase is particularly effective because it plants a seed of doubt about your mental state.
Once you start wondering if you’re imagining things, you become easier to manipulate.
4) “Everyone else understood what I meant…”
This appeal to an invisible majority makes you feel isolated and defective.
The message is clear: The problem isn’t the communication, it’s you.
During my career, I noticed this phrase often came up when someone was backtracking from a controversial statement.
Rather than clarify or apologize, they’d suggest that everyone else got it right and you’re the outlier.
The truth is, “everyone else” probably didn’t understand either.
They just didn’t speak up or, more likely, this mythical consensus doesn’t exist at all.
It’s a phantom jury summoned to make you feel alone in your confusion.
5) “Why are you always so negative?”
This phrase flips the script when you raise legitimate concerns.
Suddenly, you’re not someone with valid points.
You’re a chronic complainer who can’t see the positive in anything.
I watched this play out repeatedly in corporate settings.
An employee would raise concerns about unrealistic deadlines or flawed strategies, only to be branded as “negative” or “not a team player.”
The actual issues never got addressed.
Instead, the messenger became the problem.
The genius of this phrase is that it makes you self-censor.
You start wondering if you really are too negative, and you second-guess whether to speak up next time.
Eventually, you might stop raising concerns altogether.
6) “You’re remembering it wrong.”
Memory is fallible, and manipulators exploit this fact.
They present their version of events with such certainty that you begin to question your own recollection.
A colleague once borrowed a significant sum from me, promising to repay it within a month.
Three months later, when I brought it up, he said with complete confidence, “You’re remembering it wrong. I said I’d pay you back when I could, no timeline.”
He was so convincing that I actually went home and searched for the email where he’d specified the month, just to confirm I wasn’t losing my mind.
This phrase is especially damaging in personal relationships where there’s no paper trail.
It slowly erodes your confidence in your own memory, making you increasingly dependent on the other person’s version of reality.
7) “I was just joking, can’t you take a joke?”
This is the escape hatch for cruel comments and inappropriate behavior.
It allows someone to test boundaries and inflict harm while maintaining plausible deniability.
In one memorable meeting, an executive made a cutting remark about a subordinate’s education level.
When HR got involved, suddenly it was all a misunderstanding.
“I was just joking, can’t he take a joke?”
The subordinate was left looking like someone who couldn’t handle office banter, while the executive faced no consequences.
The phrase works because it reverses victim and aggressor.
You become the humorless one who’s making a big deal out of nothing.
Meanwhile, the person who said something hurtful gets to play the misunderstood comedian.
Closing thoughts
Recognizing these phrases is the first step to protecting yourself from reality manipulation, and the second step is trusting your perceptions even when someone insists you’re wrong.
Document important conversations, seek outside perspectives from trusted friends, and don’t let anyone convince you that your reasonable reactions to unreasonable behavior make you the problem.
Here’s a practical rule you can apply immediately: When someone uses one of these phrases, pause and ask yourself, “Would I accept this explanation from a stranger?”
Often, we give people we know more leeway to distort reality because we want to preserve the relationship.
However, if you wouldn’t accept it from a stranger, you shouldn’t accept it from someone who claims to care about you.
The goal is to recognize when someone is systematically undermining your reality and to protect yourself accordingly.
Your perceptions, memories, and reactions are valid.
Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
