You learn a lot about human nature after three decades of negotiating contracts where millions of dollars hung on reading between the lines.
But it wasn’t until retirement that I realized the same manipulation tactics I saw in boardrooms show up constantly in everyday conversations.
Last month, I watched a friend get cornered at a dinner party by someone who systematically dismantled his confidence over the course of twenty minutes. My friend walked away questioning decisions he’d been confident about an hour earlier.
The manipulator? They walked away looking satisfied, having successfully planted doubt and confusion.
The techniques were subtle, almost invisible if you didn’t know what to look for. But after years of watching people use conversation as a weapon to gain leverage, I recognized every move. These aren’t occasional slips or personality quirks. When someone consistently uses these seven tactics, they’re deliberately working to control you through emotional manipulation.
1. They constantly interrupt and redirect
Watch what happens when you try to make a point that challenges their narrative. Before you can finish your thought, they cut you off with “Well, actually…” or “That reminds me of something even worse…”
This isn’t poor listening skills. It’s a control mechanism. By never letting you complete a thought, they keep you off balance. You start doubting whether your points matter. Eventually, you stop trying to contribute meaningfully to the conversation.
I saw this constantly in negotiations where one party wanted to dominate. They’d interrupt presentations, redirect discussions, and ensure the other side never gained conversational momentum. In personal conversations, it works the same way. The manipulator maintains control by never letting you establish your ground.
The really skilled ones make it seem accidental. They’ll apologize occasionally for interrupting, then do it again thirty seconds later. They know exactly what they’re doing.
2. They use your vulnerabilities as weapons
You share something personal in confidence. Maybe it’s a fear about your job security or concerns about your adult children. A few weeks later, in front of others, they casually reference it to make a point or win an argument.
“Well, you’ve always been anxious about money, so maybe you’re overreacting here too.”
Notice how they’ve taken your trust and weaponized it? This is classic emotional manipulation.
They file away your vulnerable moments and deploy them strategically when they need leverage. It keeps you from ever feeling safe being honest with them again.
In my negotiating days, I watched executives do this to subordinates regularly. They’d use personal information shared in confidence to undercut someone’s credibility in meetings. The victim would be too stunned to respond effectively.
3. They make you question your memory
“I never said that.” “You’re remembering it wrong.” “That’s not what happened at all.”
When someone consistently makes you doubt your recollection of events, especially events where they behaved poorly, you’re dealing with manipulation.
They rewrite history to suit their needs, and they’re so confident in their version that you start wondering if you really did misremember.
I once worked with someone who would agree to terms in private meetings, then claim in group settings that we’d agreed to something completely different. When I’d object, he’d look concerned and suggest I might be confusing conversations. Other people started wondering if I was losing my edge.
The goal is simple: if they can make you doubt your memory, they can make you doubt your judgment. Once you doubt your judgment, you become dependent on their version of reality.
4. They play the victim when confronted
Try to address their behavior directly, and watch how quickly they flip the script. Suddenly, you’re the aggressor. They’re hurt, wounded, can’t believe you’d think such terrible things about them.
“After everything I’ve done for you, this is what you think of me?”
Now you’re apologizing, comforting them, feeling guilty for even bringing it up. Meanwhile, the original issue lies completely forgotten. They’ve successfully avoided accountability by making themselves the injured party.
This tactic is particularly effective because most decent people don’t want to hurt others. Manipulators count on your empathy. They know that by playing victim, they can shut down any attempt to hold them responsible for their actions.
5. They use false comparisons to minimize your feelings
You express frustration about something, and they immediately compare it to something worse. “You think that’s bad? Let me tell you what happened to my cousin…” or “At least you have a job. Some people would kill for your problems.”
This isn’t perspective-giving. It’s invalidation disguised as wisdom. By constantly comparing your experiences to more extreme situations, they’re telling you that your feelings don’t matter, that you have no right to be upset.
In negotiations, I saw this used to wear down the other side’s resolve. Every concern was met with “Well, Company X accepted much worse terms” or “You should be grateful we’re even at the table.” It’s designed to make you feel unreasonable for having standards or boundaries.
6. They give backhanded compliments and subtle put-downs
“You’re so brave to wear that at your age.” “I admire how you don’t care what people think.” “You’re smarter than you look.”
On the surface, they might come across as compliments. But they’re precisely crafted to plant seeds of insecurity while maintaining plausible deniability. If you object, they can claim you’re too sensitive, that they were in fact trying to be nice.
The cumulative effect is devastating. Each comment is a small cut, but over time, they erode your confidence. You start second-guessing yourself, wondering if maybe you really are as flawed as they suggest.
7. They isolate you from other perspectives
Pay attention to how they react when you mention advice from friends or family. Do they dismiss these other people as not understanding the situation? Do they suggest that others are jealous, naive, or trying to mislead you?
“Your sister never liked me anyway.” “Your friends don’t really understand what you’re going through.”
Manipulators work best in isolation. When you have access to other perspectives, their distortions become visible. So they work to discredit other voices in your life, positioning themselves as the only one who really understands, the only one you can trust.
Once someone succeeds in becoming your sole source of reality-checking, they have complete control over your perception of yourself and your situation.
Closing thoughts
After decades of watching power dynamics play out in high-stakes environments, I can tell you this: emotional manipulation in conversation is about control, pure and simple. The manipulator needs to feel superior, needs to maintain leverage, needs to keep you off balance.
But once you recognize these patterns, they lose much of their power. You can’t always avoid manipulative people, but you can protect yourself by trusting your instincts when conversations consistently leave you feeling diminished, confused, or doubting yourself.
Here’s my rule of thumb: if someone regularly makes you feel worse about yourself after talking with them, that’s not a communication problem. That’s a manipulation problem. Healthy conversation, even when it includes disagreement or criticism, should ultimately build understanding, not tear down your sense of self.
Your feelings, memories, and perspectives are valid. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
