I was having coffee with a former colleague last month when he said something that stopped me cold.
“John, you look more relaxed than you did twenty years ago. What’s your secret?”
The truth is, I feel more alive at 64 than I did at 35.
Back then, I was chasing deadlines, trading health for status, living on adrenaline.
Now in retirement, I’ve discovered something surprising: getting older doesn’t mean feeling less vital.
For some of us, it means finally understanding what actually makes life worth living.
After spending decades in high-pressure negotiations where power and leverage ruled every interaction, I’ve observed a fascinating pattern: The people who thrive in their 60s are the ones who figured out how to shed what doesn’t matter and double down on what does.
Through conversations with peers and my own experience navigating this awkward middle zone of retirement where you’re not done but no longer willing to sacrifice everything for success, I’ve identified eight behaviors that separate those who feel more alive now from those still stuck in patterns from their 30s.
1) They’ve stopped performing for an invisible audience
In your 30s, you’re constantly aware of how others perceive you.
Every decision gets filtered through questions about reputation, status, advancement.
You dress for the job you want, speak to impress, and choose hobbies that look good at dinner parties.
People who feel more alive in their 60s have dropped this exhausting performance.
They’ve realized that the audience they’ve been playing to was mostly imaginary.
When you stop curating your life for others’ approval, you free up enormous mental energy.
I see this in how my peers dress now, how they speak, and what they choose to do with their time.
The ones who seem most vital have stopped asking “what will people think?” and started asking “what do I actually want?”
It’s about recognizing that most people aren’t watching you nearly as closely as you think they are.
2) They’ve learned to say no without explaining
This one took me years to master.
In my 30s, saying no required a dissertation.
I’d provide reasons, excuses, alternatives.
Every refusal came with guilt and lengthy justifications.
People who feel alive in their 60s have discovered the power of the clean no.
“That doesn’t work for me.”
No elaborate explanations about why you can’t attend the event, join the committee, or take on the project.
This is clarity because, when you stop treating your time as something that needs defending with evidence, you start treating it as the finite resource it actually is.
The energy you save from not constructing elaborate excuses gets redirected toward things that actually matter to you.
3) They’ve replaced adrenaline with quieter rhythms
For decades, I ran on deadline pressure and the rush of high-stakes rooms.
Many of my peers still chase that feeling through manufactured drama, extreme sports, or contentious relationships.
They mistake intensity for aliveness.
Those who feel truly vital have found different fuel.
They walk daily, read without checking their phones, and have long conversations without agendas.
My daily walks have become non-negotiable because that quiet rhythm does something that years of adrenaline never could.
It creates space for actual thoughts to form, for perspective to emerge.
The people I know who feel most alive have all found their version of this quieter structure.
4) They’ve stopped trying to win conversations
Watch how people in their 30s interact.
There’s constant positioning, subtle one-upmanship, and the need to be right or clever or impressive.
Every discussion becomes a low-key competition.
People who thrive in their 60s have abandoned this game.
They ask questions without needing to top the answer with their own story, and hear opposing viewpoints without marshaling counterarguments.
They’ve discovered that being interested is more energizing than being interesting.
This shift changes everything about how you engage with others.
When you’re not constantly defending territory or establishing dominance, conversations become explorations instead of battles.
The mental energy you save is extraordinary.
5) They focus on experiences over acquisitions
In your 30s, you accumulate.
Houses, cars, titles, connections; each acquisition feels like progress, like building something meaningful.
The people who feel most alive in their 60s have shifted from acquiring to experiencing.
They’d rather walk in unfamiliar places than buy another piece of furniture, and choose interesting conversations over impressive possessions.
I notice this in my own preferences now: I want more time reading in quiet corners, more walks in places I’ve never been.
The things that once seemed important to own now feel like anchors.
6) They’ve made peace with their limitations
Your 30s are about denying limitations.
You can do anything, be anything, have it all.
Sleep is optional because your body is invincible and time is infinite.
People who feel alive in their 60s have stopped fighting reality.
They know their energy patterns and plan accordingly, recognize what they’re never going to be good at and stop pretending otherwise, and have accepted that some doors have closed and found relief in that clarity.
This is strategy; when you stop spreading yourself thin trying to maintain illusions of unlimited possibility, you can go deep on what actually works for you.
Actually, the people I know who seem most energized have all made this trade: Breadth for depth, possibility for actuality.
7) They’ve stopped keeping score
In your 30s, everything is measurable, such as your salary, square footage, vacation destinations, and your children’s achievements.
You know exactly where you rank and constantly calculate whether you’re winning or losing.
Those who thrive in their 60s have thrown away the scoreboard because they’ve realized that most metrics are arbitrary and that winning games you don’t actually care about is the definition of losing.
When you stop comparing, you start actually seeing your life.
The constant measurement that once drove you forward now just creates noise.
The people who seem most content have stopped asking “how am I doing relative to others?” and started asking “is this working for me?”
8) They treat their body as an ally, not an enemy
In your 30s, your body is something to overcome, to push, and to shape into submission.
You fight its needs, ignore its signals, treat it as a machine that should perform on demand.
People who feel vital in their 60s have negotiated a truce.
They listen to what their body tells them about sleep, food, and movement.
They’ve stopped punishing it for not being 25 and started working with what they have.
This partnership approach changes everything as, instead of constant battle, there’s cooperation.
The energy you once spent fighting your physical reality gets redirected toward actually living in your body as it is.
Closing thoughts
Feeling more alive in your 60s than in your 30s is about finally dropping the exhausting games that once seemed so important.
The behaviors I’ve described focus on recognizing what actually generates energy versus what drains it.
When you stop performing, competing, acquiring, and comparing, you discover reserves of vitality you didn’t know existed.
The practical rule of thumb I’ve learned to follow: If something requires you to pretend, perform, or prove something, it’s probably draining more life from you than it’s adding.
The path to feeling more alive is about doing less of what never really mattered anyway.
