During a recent board meeting, I watched a newly appointed department head try to win everyone over with jokes and compliments.
Within months, her team was in chaos, deadlines were missed, and she was quietly replaced. Her replacement? A no-nonsense woman who rarely smiled but got things done. The difference was stark—one sought to be liked, the other commanded respect.
After decades negotiating in rooms where power dynamics determined outcomes, I’ve learned that being liked feels good, but being respected gets results. The comfortable choice is usually popularity. The effective choice is often respect.
Psychology research backs this up, showing that in certain situations, prioritizing likability over respect can undermine your goals, damage relationships, and erode your self-worth.
Here are nine situations where choosing respect over being liked isn’t just the smart move—it’s the necessary one.
1) When you’re making tough decisions as a leader
Leadership isn’t a popularity contest, though many treat it that way. I’ve seen executives destroy companies trying to keep everyone happy. The ones who survived? They understood that leadership means making decisions that won’t win applause.
As Simon Sinek notes, “Leadership is not a license to do less. Leadership is a responsibility to do more”. That “more” includes making unpopular calls when necessary.
Laying off underperformers, cutting failing projects, saying no to requests that drain resources—these decisions won’t get you invited to happy hour. But they’ll get your organization where it needs to go.
The psychology here is straightforward: People follow strength, not niceness. When you waffle to avoid conflict, you lose credibility. Your team might like you personally, but they won’t trust you professionally. And without trust, leadership is just a title.
2) When setting boundaries with family
Family gatherings can become minefields when you’re the one saying no to lending money again, refusing to host every holiday, or limiting contact with toxic relatives. The pressure to cave is immense. Family members weaponize guilt like professionals.
But as marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein has noted, “Boundaries go both ways, and parents and children may both feel resentment when the other violates their boundaries”.
Your sister might not like that you won’t babysit every weekend. Your adult children might resent that you won’t bail them out financially anymore. That’s their problem, not yours.
I learned early that “winning” an argument usually costs more than it’s worth at home. But maintaining boundaries?
That’s not about winning. It’s about survival.
Respect yourself enough to hold the line, even when relatives accuse you of being selfish. Their definition of selfish usually means you’ve stopped being their doormat.
3) When dealing with narcissistic personalities
You know the type—charming, charismatic, and completely self-absorbed. They’re in your workplace, your social circle, maybe even your family. Trying to be liked by a narcissist is like filling a bucket with no bottom.
As researcher Dr. Ramani Durvasula notes, “Relationships with narcissists are held in place by the hope of a ‘someday better,’ with little evidence to support it will ever arrive”. The narcissist’s approval is a moving target designed to keep you chasing. Stop running.
When you prioritize being respected over being liked by these individuals, you short-circuit their control mechanism. They lose interest when they can’t manipulate you through approval-seeking. Good. Let them find another audience.
4) When negotiating your worth
Salary negotiations reveal character faster than any personality test. The person across the table isn’t your friend, despite the small talk and coffee offer. They represent interests that directly oppose yours—getting the most value for the least cost.
I spent decades in high-stakes negotiation environments where everyone insisted it was “just business,” even when power was driving everything.
The negotiators who got eaten alive? The ones who wanted to be liked. They accepted first offers, avoided confrontation, and left money on the table to maintain pleasant relationships with people they’d rarely see again.
Psychology shows we systematically undervalue ourselves when we prioritize social harmony over fair compensation. The most powerful person in the room is often the one who can wait. Be willing to sit in uncomfortable silence. Be willing to walk away. Respect beats rapport when money is involved.
5) When parenting teenagers
Your teenager will hate you sometimes. If they don’t, you’re probably doing it wrong. Setting curfews, enforcing consequences, saying no to the party where you know there will be no supervision—these aren’t popularity moves.
But here’s what psychology tells us: Teenagers with parents who maintain firm, fair boundaries show better outcomes in adulthood. They develop better self-control, make smarter choices, and ironically, report better relationships with their parents later in life.
The friend-parent who let them do whatever they wanted? That relationship often crumbles once the child faces real-world consequences the parent failed to prepare them for.
Being respected as a parent means accepting temporary hatred for long-term gratitude. Though they won’t thank you until they’re 30.
6) When standing up to workplace bullies
Workplace bullies rely on one thing: Your desire to avoid conflict. They count on you wanting to be seen as cooperative, easy-going, likable. That’s their leverage.
I learned to spot “polite threats” and “friendly ultimatums” quickly because they’re common in power environments.
The colleague who “jokingly” undermines you in meetings. The boss who makes unreasonable demands knowing you won’t push back. They’re testing boundaries, and every time you choose being liked over being respected, you fail the test.
Confronting a bully won’t make you popular. Other colleagues might even resent you for “making waves.” But respect isn’t about consensus. Once you establish that you won’t be pushed around, the dynamic shifts. Bullies prefer easy targets.
7) When ending toxic friendships
The friend who only calls when they need something. The one who makes every conversation about their drama. The one who dismisses your success and amplifies your failures. You know you should cut them off, but you worry about being seen as cruel.
Here’s the reality: Toxic people rely on your need to be liked. They know you’ll tolerate bad behavior rather than risk being labeled difficult or unsupportive. But respect—for yourself and from others—requires recognizing when a relationship is beyond repair.
Ending a toxic friendship won’t win you any congeniality awards. Mutual friends might pressure you to reconcile. The toxic friend will certainly paint you as the villain. Let them. Your peace of mind matters more than their opinion.
8) When maintaining professional standards
The pressure to lower standards for likability is constant. The coworker who wants you to cover their mistakes. The client who expects discounts because you’re “friends.” The team that wants you to ignore quality issues to meet deadlines.
Maintaining standards makes you the bad guy temporarily. You’re the one sending work back for revisions, refusing to sign off on subpar deliverables, insisting on proper procedures. Nobody thanks you in the moment.
But when projects succeed, when audits pass, when reputations remain intact, guess who gets remembered? Not the person everyone liked who let standards slide. The one who held the line even when it was uncomfortable.
9) When protecting your time and energy
Saying no to requests for your time might be the ultimate respect-over-likability choice. The committee you don’t want to join. The favor you don’t have bandwidth for. The social obligation that drains you.
People won’t like hearing no. They’ll call you selfish, unhelpful, not a team player. These are manipulation tactics designed to trigger your need for approval. Recognize them for what they are.
Respecting your own time teaches others to respect it too. The person who says yes to everything isn’t liked—they’re used. There’s a difference.
Closing thoughts
The need to be liked is hardwired into us from childhood, when being accepted meant survival. But adult life requires more sophisticated strategies.
Respect creates boundaries, establishes standards, and builds genuine relationships based on mutual regard rather than people-pleasing.
This doesn’t mean being needlessly harsh or dismissive of others’ feelings. Respect and cruelty aren’t synonyms. You can be firm without being cruel, clear without being harsh, strong without being aggressive.
The next time you face a choice between being liked and being respected, ask yourself: What will serve me better in five years? The answer is almost always respect. Popularity is temporary. Respect compounds over time, building a foundation that serves you far better than any amount of shallow approval.
Start with one situation where you’ve been choosing likability over respect. Change that dynamic. It will feel uncomfortable at first—that discomfort is growth.
And remember, the people worth keeping in your life will respect you more for having boundaries than they’ll dislike you for enforcing them.
