You know that friend from college who still makes the same jokes from 2008? Or the one from your twenties who treats every interaction like a networking event?
Length of friendship doesn’t equal quality. I learned this the hard way when parenthood revealed which connections were actually built on something real versus those held together by proximity and convenience.
After working in brand strategy where I watched people curate their entire personalities for social currency, I’ve gotten pretty good at spotting the patterns.
The uncomfortable truth is that some friendships are just expensive habits we haven’t quit yet.
Here are nine signs someone might be a low-quality friend, regardless of how many years you’ve logged together.
1) They only reach out when they need something
The pattern is predictable: Radio silence for months, then suddenly they’re texting about their startup, their breakup, or their drama at work. When things are good in their world, you don’t exist.
I used to excuse this behavior. Maybe they’re just busy. Maybe they’re bad at keeping in touch. But then I started paying attention to who these same people made time for when it benefited them.
Quality friends check in without an agenda. They share good news as readily as they share problems. The relationship has rhythm beyond crisis management.
2) They dismiss your boundaries as dramatic
Here’s my favorite test: Set a small boundary early and watch what happens. Can’t do dinner on Tuesday? Need to leave the party early? Can’t lend them that thing right now?
Low-quality friends treat your boundaries like suggestions or personal attacks. They’ll make jokes about you being “so strict now” or act like you’ve fundamentally changed because you’ve started saying no.
The worst ones weaponize your history together. “You never used to be like this” or “Remember when you were fun?” These aren’t observations. They’re manipulation tactics.
3) They compete with your good news
You get a promotion. They immediately tell you about their upcoming raise. You book a vacation. They’re planning something better. You share a win. They share a bigger one.
This isn’t sharing excitement. It’s scorekeeping.
Watch how they react in the first three seconds after you share something positive. Do their eyes light up for you, or do they immediately start scanning their mental inventory for a comeback? That pause tells you everything.
4) They treat your time like it’s unlimited
They’re chronically late. They cancel last minute. They assume you’re available whenever they are. Your schedule is treated like blank space they can write themselves into.
When parenthood hit, this behavior became impossible to ignore. Suddenly the friends who respected my time stood out clearly from those who thought showing up whenever worked for them was charming.
Time respect is life respect. Someone who wastes yours repeatedly is telling you exactly how much they value you.
5) They make everything about them
You’re telling them about your job stress. Within two minutes, they’re talking about their workplace drama. You mention you’re tired. They launch into why they’re more exhausted.
This isn’t conversation. It’s verbal hijacking.
The sophisticated version is more subtle. They’ll ask questions but only as bridges back to their own stories. “Oh, that reminds me of when I…” becomes their favorite transition.
Real friends know how to hold space for your experiences without making them springboards for their own.
6) They gossip about mutual friends to you
If they’re talking about them, they’re talking about you. This rule has never failed me.
Low-quality friends use gossip as social currency. They share other people’s struggles for entertainment, mock mutual friends’ choices, or reveal things told in confidence.
They’ll frame it as “concern” or “just venting,” but what they’re really doing is showing you their character. A friend who can’t be trusted with other people’s stories can’t be trusted with yours.
7) They disappear during your difficult times
When life gets messy, they get scarce. Death in the family? They’re “giving you space.” Going through divorce? They’re “not good with heavy stuff.” Struggling with work? They’re “so busy right now.”
But watch how quickly they reappear when you’re back to being fun. When the crisis passes and you’re available for brunches and parties again, suddenly their schedule opens up.
Quality friends don’t just show up for your highlight reel. They sit with you in the mess.
8) They keep you in a box from the past
You’re still the party person from 2015. The one who dated that disaster in 2018. The version of you from before you grew up.
They resist your evolution because it threatens their narrative. If you change, what does that say about them staying the same? So they make jokes about the “new you” or constantly reference who you used to be.
This isn’t nostalgia. It’s imprisonment. Friends who actually care about you celebrate your growth instead of weaponizing your history.
9) They make you feel drained, not energized
Pay attention to how you feel after spending time with them. Are you energized or exhausted? Inspired or irritated?
Low-quality friends are emotional vampires. They take your energy, your attention, your support, but the exchange never feels balanced. You leave interactions feeling like you’ve been through something rather than shared something.
I started tracking this feeling after particularly draining coffee dates. The pattern was clear: Certain people consistently left me feeling depleted. That’s not what friendship should cost.
Final thoughts
Recognizing these patterns doesn’t mean you have to dramatically end every imperfect friendship. Some relationships can shift into acquaintanceships. Others might improve when you set clear boundaries.
But stop confusing longevity with quality. Stop letting shared history excuse present behavior. Some friendships are just expired contracts you keep renewing out of habit.
The friends worth keeping are the ones who grow with you, not despite you. They celebrate your boundaries instead of testing them. They show up for both your struggles and your successes.
Life’s too short for low-quality friendships, no matter how long you’ve known each other. Your time and energy are finite resources. Spend them on people who actually deserve them.
