You know that feeling when someone’s words say one thing but their energy says another? I learned to read this gap during my years in brand and media work, where everyone was polite but nobody was fully honest about motives.
The most revealing moment came during a strategy meeting where a colleague kept checking their phone while I presented. They nodded along, made the right sounds, but their attention was elsewhere. When I stopped mid-sentence to test if they were listening, it took them three full seconds to notice the silence.
That’s when it clicked: respect and tolerance look similar on the surface, but they feel completely different.
After years of observing these dynamics, I’ve identified eight situations that reveal the truth. These moments strip away the performance and show you exactly where you stand with someone.
1) How they handle your small boundaries
Here’s something I started doing early in any relationship: I set a tiny boundary and watch what happens.
Maybe I mention I don’t take calls after 8 PM. Or that I need 24 hours notice for plans. Nothing major, nothing that inconveniences anyone significantly.
People who respect you will note it and adjust. They might forget once, apologize genuinely, then remember going forward.
People who tolerate you? They’ll push against it immediately. “Just this once” becomes their favorite phrase. They’ll act like your boundary is a personal attack on their freedom.
The key is that respect shows up in the small stuff first. Someone who can’t honor your request not to be tagged in photos won’t honor bigger boundaries either.
2) Whether they remember what matters to you
I once worked with someone for two years who never remembered I don’t drink coffee. Every morning, they’d offer to grab me one. Every morning, I’d remind them I prefer tea.
It wasn’t about the beverage. It was about the pattern.
People who respect you file away the details. Not because they have perfect memories, but because they’re actually paying attention when you speak. They remember your kid’s name, your big presentation date, that thing you were stressed about last month.
Those who merely tolerate you treat every conversation like it’s the first one. Your preferences, concerns, and stories don’t stick because they’re not really listening – they’re just waiting for their turn to talk.
3) How they react when you succeed
This one stings because it’s so revealing.
When something good happens to you, watch their first reaction. Not the one that comes after they’ve had time to compose themselves, but that initial flash across their face.
Respect looks like genuine excitement. They ask questions, want details, share your win with others (with your permission).
Tolerance looks like a tight smile and a subject change. Or worse, they immediately pivot to their own accomplishment. “That’s great! Actually, something similar happened to me…”
I’ve noticed people who respect you can celebrate your success even when they’re struggling. People who tolerate you can only be happy for you when they’re doing better than you.
4) Whether they include you in the real conversation
Every group has two conversations happening: the polite one everyone can hear, and the real one happening through glances, texts, and after-meetings.
Being naturally observant, I notice who gets pulled into the sidebar discussions and who gets the sanitized version later. I see who receives the “heading to lunch, want to come?” text versus who gets the “sorry, we already left!” message.
Respect means you’re part of the real conversation, even when it’s messy or uncertain. Tolerance means you get the press release version after decisions have been made.
5) How they handle your expertise
Here’s a pattern I see constantly: someone asks for your input on something you know well, then immediately explains why you’re wrong.
People who respect you might challenge your ideas, but they do it from a place of curiosity. They ask clarifying questions, consider your perspective, and acknowledge your knowledge even if they ultimately disagree.
People who tolerate you ask for your expertise performatively. They’ve already decided what they think; they just want to say they consulted you. Watch for the person who asks your professional opinion then says, “Well, actually, I read this article that said…”
6) What happens when you need something
Nothing reveals the respect-tolerance gap faster than actually needing support.
When you’re going through something difficult, people who respect you show up without keeping score. They don’t remind you six months later about that time they helped you move. They don’t act like your crisis is an inconvenience to their schedule.
Those who tolerate you? They’ll help, but you’ll pay for it. Not financially, but through subtle reminders of their sacrifice. Through sighs when you ask. Through the story they’ll tell others about how demanding you are.
7) How they act when others aren’t watching
I’ve learned to pay attention to those moments when the social pressure drops. When the boss leaves the room. When the mutual friends aren’t around. When it’s just the two of you in the elevator.
Do they maintain the same energy, or does their friendliness evaporate the moment there’s no audience?
Respect is consistent. It doesn’t need witnesses.
Tolerance is performance. It exists for the benefit of others, to maintain social harmony or professional relationships. Remove the audience, and you’ll see exactly what’s underneath.
8) Whether they interrupt or let you finish
This might seem minor, but interruption patterns reveal entitlement and rank more than almost anything else.
People who respect you let you complete your thoughts. If they do interrupt out of excitement, they catch themselves and say, “Sorry, finish what you were saying.”
People who tolerate you interrupt constantly and without apology. They treat conversations like territory to be conquered. Your half-finished sentences don’t matter because what they have to say is more important.
After years of watching these dynamics, I can tell you that someone who consistently interrupts you doesn’t see you as an equal. They’re tolerating your presence while waiting for their turn to be the main character again.
Final thoughts
Here’s what took me years to understand: respect doesn’t come from accommodating everyone or being endlessly flexible. It comes from clarity and consistency about who you are and what you need.
Once you start noticing these patterns, you can’t unsee them. But that’s actually freeing. You stop wasting energy on people who are just tolerating you. You stop questioning yourself when someone’s behavior feels off.
The gap between respect and tolerance isn’t always obvious, but your gut usually knows. That slight discomfort you feel around certain people? That sense that something’s off even though they’re perfectly polite? Trust it.
You deserve to be around people who genuinely value your presence, not just endure it.
