7 Ways To Alienate Your Employees
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Managers and business owners have it tough – they’re actually expected to take time off delegating responsibilities and watching expenses in order to…well…manage people! The nerve some employees have – suggesting that any of your decisions can be less than perfect! After all, you made them, didn’t you?
Here are some things you could do to encourage your employees to leave, never to annoy you again.
1) Don’t talk to them – unless there’re problems
Why would you even need their opinions anyway? Who needs their hands-on knowledge and experience of the tasks at hand? Who needs to know if their employees have any kids or hobbies? Got nothing to do with work, right?
Better to just talk to them if something goes wrong. To keep a healthy level of fear in them. Not like the employee-boss relationship gives them enough, right?
2) When it hits the fan, blame them, instead of checking if it’s the processes YOU made
After all, you made the process- so it must be perfect right? Everyone is automatically stupid or incompetent for not getting on with the program. And by “the” program, I mean “YOUR” program. Because you made it.
3) Don’t bother to learn their names
That’s what their IDs are for, right?
4) Play favorites
Give no one the illusion that they can get by on hard work and merit alone. Let suck-ups do what they do best. Your ego needs stroking. You need a healthy ego if you’re going to make important decisions.
5) Bother them with work while they’re on leave
You’re not underpaying them to just sit on their butts, relaxing all day. Make sure to bother them on weekends too, as well as on other instances they aren’t being actually paid to work.
If they expect a reprieve from stress at work, well there’s only two chances of that happening: fat, and slim.
6) Pretend everyone gets along just dandy
Those two you assigned to work on the same project hate each other’s guts. They’ll be professional enough to handle it, right? There’s no way this would lead to passive-aggressive behavior that would delay or even ruin the project, right?
7) Never admit error
You don’t want to seem weak, do you? It’s not like any of your employees are smart enough to see through you. That’s why you’re boss, right?
Bonus: Use Plenty of Corporate Double-speak.
Corporate Double-speak is a godsend for obfuscating truth and for infuriating nosy employees who could actually see through it. It’s win-win! And if you have to weasel your way through something by e-mail, make sure to end it with ‘Sent from my iPhone’ .
Because… wow. iPhone!
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